Stop asking “what do I want?” and do this instead

If you feel unclear about what you want from life, stop stressing about it.

When you label yourself indecisive, unmotivated, or lazy, your energy gets pulled in the wrong direction.

Add to that the challenge of constant comparison and it's no wonder that you can feel lost.

Every day, you’re exposed to hundreds of alternative paths.

People changing careers, reinventing themselves, starting businesses, or moving countries.

The possibilities feel exciting, like glimpses of a freer life.

But too many options lead to analysis paralysis.

When everything feels possible, nothing emerges as the obvious choice.

And the most intelligent and ambitious people often struggle more with this than others, because each path seems like a genuine possibility for them.

If this sounds like you, the answer may not be to quit your job.

But asking yourself, “What do I want?” won’t help either.

Here’s why this question keeps you stuck, and what to do instead.

I have a lot of friends who are 15+ years into their careers. They're very talented and could choose pretty much any career path they wanted. But behind the scenes, they feel lost about what they want to do with their lives.

This is the natural result of a process that no longer fits.

Fifty years ago, you simply got a job to pay the bills and stuck with it.

So our generation tried the same thing. Get a degree. Find a job in your major. Done.

But for many of us, that “right fit” feeling never came.

Here are 4 main reasons I think that happens.

Problem #1: Too many options. 

When your parents chose a career, there were fewer paths and clearer constraints. You picked something, stuck with it, and learned to make meaning there.

Today, every choice opens ten more doors.

Should I stay or leave?

Double down or pivot?

Go broader or deeper?

Climb the ladder or build something of my own?

There are so many options that it feels impossible to make the “right” choice.

It’s good to have options, but analysing too many paths at once is a recipe for freezing in place.

Problem #2: Constant comparison.

We used to hear about celebrities’ lives every now and then in magazines and on TV. 

Today, it’s not just celebrities, and the exposure is constant. 

Friends. Former classmates. Colleagues. People you haven’t spoken to in ten years.

People you’ve never met living across the globe.

The internet gives you a constant feed of their timelines, goals, and highlights.

So your brain is continuously updating its definition of what a “good life” could look like, often without you noticing.

It becomes hard to tell whether a desire is truly yours, or something you absorbed through exposure.

Problem #3: Pressure to be certain, and always progressing.

Society puts pressure on us to “find our purpose.”

We’re supposed to get on one linear path and stay excited about it.

Even if your life is fine, “fine” now feels like stagnation.

This pressure feels like it should fuel you, but it just causes your wheels to spin. 

You stay stuck in start-stop indecision, when you’re better off cooling your engines and regaining clarity before you move ahead.

Problem #4: Identity becomes entangled with achievement.

At some point, the question stops being “What do I want to do?” and becomes:

What should someone like me want?

What does this say about who I am?

The ego starts to dominate and clear thinking becomes impossible. 

This is also why so many capable, successful people hit a wall in their 30s or 40s.

There can be many reasons for this, but often it's as simple as this: The path you chose no longer reflects who you are.

Here’s what really keeps us stuck:

We’re trying to find who we are inside a system designed to keep us externally referenced.

In a world of limitless options and minimal constraints, we’re overstimulated.

Clarity only comes when you slow down enough for awareness to emerge.

You have to do 2 deceptively simple things most people discount:

1. 1. Take time to look inwards. 

2. 2. Believe what you really want is possible.

If you’re feeling stuck right now, here’s a more effective approach.

Step 1: Remove the pressure to “want something.”

Most confusion isn’t even confusion at all. 

It’s needless urgency that makes clarity impossible.

That urgency puts your nervous system into problem-solving mode. And problem-solving mode is terrible for self-awareness and genuine honesty.

Removing this pressure shifts you from your sympathetic nervous system (action and survival) to parasympathetic (rest and integration).

So start here. Tell yourself:

I don’t need to "crack" the answer right now. I just need to take the next step on the path.

When you stop feeling stressed or pressured, your perception expands.

That’s when you can access the clarity you need to gain direction.

Step 2: Start with negative clarity.

I didn’t know what I wanted when I started my career. Clarity on what I didn’t want came first.

Through my first experiences, I learned I didn’t want: 

- A workload that took over my life.

- Constant travel.

- Inflexible schedules.

That became my anti-vision.

Instead of asking what you want, ask what you don’t want anymore.

Answer these questions:

What chapter is clearly over?

What drains me consistently?

What do I definitely not want more of?

What would feel like self-betrayal if I continued?

This works because saying “no” is often easier than committing to a “yes.”

Repulsion is often easier to access than desire.

As you do this, you will start to notice patterns appearing.

Step 3: Shift from goals to felt states.

Many people struggle to name specific outcomes they want. 

Outcomes are too abstract, and they’re often socially conditioned.

For many of us, it’s easier to name states or experiences we’d want to live in.

Instead of asking what do I want to achieve, ask:

What feels meaningful right now?

How do I want my days to feel?

What do I want more of in my life?

What do I want less of?

At the end of a good week, how does my body/mind/heart/soul feel?

This bypasses the thinking mind and goes straight to embodiment.

You’re not committing to a plan, just identifying the quality of the journey you want.

When trying to pinpoint desires, your body can be more reliable than your mind.

Step 4: Use memory-based desire activation.

It’s easier to access memories than it is to imagine something new.

So try to find clarity on your desires through your memories.

Ask yourself:

When in the past have I felt most alive?

When did work feel like expression, not effort?

When was I most myself?

Then look closer.

What was true about how you lived then?

What did you have more of? Less of? 

Which elements of that time matter now?

This surfaces authentic desire, not aspirational fantasy.

Step 5: Ask small preference questions instead of big life questions.

Challenge the myth of “one big answer.”

Clarity is most often built through micro-awareness, not profound a-ha moments.

Find patterns in your preferences by asking questions like:

Do I want more depth or more breadth right now?

More creation or more influence?

More calm or more stimulation?

More autonomy or more belonging?

More privacy or more visibility?

You don’t need certainty, just more confidence that you understand your preferences.

Step 6: Test clarity through small, reversible moves.

Don’t stay in thinking mode too long. Ground your reflection in action.

When I was changing direction, I considered full-time content creation.

So I tried it, and after a few months, I found that it didn’t quite fit. 

But if I’d felt pressure to go all-in or “get it right,” I wouldn’t have learned that about myself. 

Action gives you more information to work with.

So instead of overhauling your life, run simple experiments:

Change your week before changing your career. 

Explore a new hobby for 30 days before committing to a year.

Adjust one routine before revamping your whole calendar.

Clarity is only validated through lived experience.

When I help high-performers look at life this way, the typical arc looks like this:

They immediately feel less pressure to "solve" something.

They become more grounded and present.

Their self-awareness and internal attunement increase.

And decisions feel simpler.

What is rare is a single lightning bolt moment where everything fall into place. Instead, when you enter the right frame of mind and test out new micro-actions, you start gaining meaningful insights you can use to move forward.

If you want support finding the next right step in your life, I can guide you through the process inside my program, Pathfinder.

Stop demanding “the answer” from yourself.

That approach creates urgency, which triggers your survival instincts. 

Survival mode is only appropriate when your life is on the line. It won’t help you “figure out” what you want.

Instead, create the conditions for a journey of continuous discovery.

Removing pressure shifts your system to a state where honesty and clarity are accessible.

It’s not a new identity that you need. It’s less external distraction and internal pressure.

That’s when you can enjoy the ride of a path that was always meant to be emergent.

You might set the direction. But you can’t dictate the details before they unfold anyway. 

And if you’re too rigid about deciding the whole path in advance, you miss the unexpected things that make it meaningful.

Start with the next honest step. Then take another.

That’s how clarity actually forms.